Thursday, August 30, 2007

when in 10 years time, we look back at that digital photo, where will you be?

maybe A will be in europe, doing advertising.

maybe B will be in singapore, working for a mcdonalds, at the counter, taking orders.

maybe C will be happily married, with 2 kids, at home tending the house.

maybe D, will just disappear, and never be heard from again.

we all have made a little impact in each other's lives. perhaps 2 years ago, i walked passed you on the street. but then i didn't know that today i would have known you personally eventually. 1 second, 10 minutes, 100 hours. does time really matter? a moment is all we need to leave an impression on each other's lives. for better or for worse.

will we still talk like this in 5 years time?

or will we hate each other then?

will your years spent together be strong enough to last the test of time?

or will the photo fade away?
----
1 month for 4 years. 1 month for an eternity.
for better, for worse.

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Monday, August 27, 2007

had a dinner with some of my good friends today.

siyuan, who has been with me since the beginning.
wenjie and young chuan and yong guang, who have i have known and trusted since secondary school.
ho choi, a guy who appears cold and tough but really is a great guy at heart.
yue chau, who is now my room mate and a dependable friend.
kumar, who could not be there but i know wanted to.

and we had dinner at botak jones. it was a simple meal. but it was the company that made it good.

thanks for the memories. and for the watch too :D
---

why grey/blonde/white/albino?

it is meant to be grey. grey represents the shadow. the fine line between good and evil. and how the world is ambiguous. how nothing in essence is really right or wrong. and how we are all human in the end. it is not meant to attract attention. but now as i am 21, i felt the time was right.

i know my mother doesn't really understand why i want to bleach my hair. but those are my reasons. thanks for letting me to do mum.
-----

and to you who have made your decision, all the best to you. :) its pretty tough on us who have made your friendship but i am sure that pursuing your dreams will be worthwhile. just eventually know what you want to be at the end of it all. thats all i have left to say and don't forget us.

----
and the hands of time tick away again. in 20 years where will you be? will you look back in gratitude? or regret? no one knows really.

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on the stroke of midnight, i am drinking tiger beer as a toast to life.

there are a few people i want to thank.

in no order:

my parents, my siblings (amelia, aaron and amanda), my grandmother, deborah, siyuan, fuda, jonathan ang, steve, wenjie, young chuan, catherine, kumar, ho choi, charlie platoon 2 section 2, spds bunk 21, delta gis 4, shaun teo, angela, elaina, mrs lilian lee, miss woon, mr francis tay, sio tey, asio hashim and you reading this.

these are the people who changed my life and i am eternally grateful of each one of them. they were my teachers, my friends, my mentors, my gaming mates, my soccer buddies, my pals. i cheered with them, i cried with them, i played with them and i joked with them. and they are truly part of my life and if i didn't tell u personally, i am glad you were part of my life and thank you for being there.

and with my coming of age, i want to announce a few changes.

as of today, i shall no longer use purekrome as a nickname for myself. the emails will remain. but purekrome was never my nick, and never will be. from now on, i will use d.jkr (the joker or dj.oker), with homage to flame of recca's joker, the anti villain. thank you for the nick purekrome, whoever you were.

i have probably told more than i would have on this blog. but i have no regrets. i wanted to chronicle my life in the last 21 years and have done so. but this is probably a one-off. just so you know.

i have strayed from God long enough and i think it is about time finally, that i open up again.

i have many regrets in my life and i am sure you have read them all. i have hardened my heart over the last 5 or so years. i could have done better in my a levels. there are many what ifs. many what could have beens. sometimes, i which i could have a time machine to see which route is the best. there are so many points in my life they could have made or broke me.

but i will give life a chance. i will try to be less cold and aloof and try to open up. and maybe just maybe, one day, the facade will drop and the mask will break. i still fear love but i will try. but vaizard form (bleach reference) suits me perfectly now thank you. the lameness has always been and will always be a part of me.

and for those of you guys in school with me now, here is to a good 4 years. cheers. lets make it a smashing good time. to the tears, the cheers and the work to come.

manchester united just won 1-0. thanks for the first gift.

and then i am 21.
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Sunday, August 26, 2007

in november 2006, the day after he ORDed, he begun looking for a job. his friend yue chau procured him his first job. it had to be a short job; he was going taiwan again for 1 month.

and so his first job was to pack cards. it was menial and tiring work. but at least the employer was friendly. $7 dollars an hour for menial labour was alright too he supposed.

2 weeks was all the job asked of him and bade farewell to his employer after a short stint. before he left for taiwan, he begun to hunt for another job that he would do when he came back. and when it came down to a choice between a pr company and an it assisitant's job in temasek secondary, it was quite easy to choose.

january the 3rd, he made his way down to telok ayer street to begin his 6 month intership stint with kaiiten communications. it was a boutique pr firm that specialised in helping sme do pr. and since it was relatively small company, he learnt a fair bit.

over the 6 months, he learnt how to what are press releases and press advisories. he learnt to call news rooms and persuade people to buy the story. he learnt that research was fundamental in pr as well. he learnt a lot those days. and he was lucky. but somehow he also realised that maybe pr wasn't his field either. but he would let school decide for him that.

he was glad he went for school camp and made friends. or else he would have been a lonely wreck. he didn't know anyone who was going to sci. now he knew.

and now on the eve of the 27th, it was time.
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on the 7th of january 2005, along with his mother, siblings and grandmother, they headed to the island they called pulau tekong. on the fast craft to tekong, he gave a quick sms to the girl, who was in singapore at that time. and when he boarded that fastcraft, it would be last time he was to step onto mainland singapore for the next 2 weeks.

the oath of allegiance of recited in a room with probably 100 of others who didn't know what was to come. he said it knowing that it was ironic; he wasn't really there because he wanted to. then again, probably no one there was there by choice. and after this, they were ushered to the cookhouse. a quick meal, a western meal, was served to the incoming recruits and his family with him. his mother commented that the food was alright. he had a feeling that this was the best they could do.

and at the jetty, he said his goodbyes to his family. his family was to return to taiwan the next day. and after they left he would be the only one left alone in singapore. and he would feel so lonely.

the show was over, the people in green started keeping the signs , the visitors were gone. the reality sunk in. the grand masquerade had finished. he was in bmtc. he followed the rest to a queue where he was given his company and platoon. charlie platoon 2. he joined up with the people who were to suffer together with him for the next 10 weeks. and at least ho choi was to be in charlie platoon 2 as well. young chuan was to be charlie platoon 3. he surrendered his last vestige of civilian life: his pink ic.

he collected a black duffel bag and the person with 3 stripes on his arms came to pick them up. understandably everyone was soaking in the new environment and was moving slowly. but the ever first thing he said to them was: " Chao Chee Bye!" he was the platoon sergeant, his name was damien and within the next few weeks, he was hell unleashed on earth. damien 'the demon' lai.

the shaving of heads was a ritual he had to go through. the most ironic thing was that he had to pay for his head to be shaved. given a choice, he rather keep the 2 dollars and save the cut. but quickly, the locks of blonde and brown he had dyed in taiwan fell to ground. and the world was suddenly airy.

in a sense, he was lucky. his platoon and company consisted of plenty of people from tjc. he felt much better. he could at least connect with the people. his section of 12 men was made up 3/4 of tjcians. they were chee hung, zong yi, zheng tao, weiqin, shaun, yue chau, se kiat, peng siang, shi yuan, jue hai and yuan sheng and himself. and they were charlie 2, section 2.

charlie had a reputation. and that was not good. and they quickly found out why. the 3 sergeants, paul and asri, with the lead of damien, were brutal and demanding. furthermore, damien had a face and persona that could capture your soul, and then devour it slowly. toilets had to be clean and completely dry. bunks had to be dust free. floors had to be kiwi free. nothing out of place. everything in perfect order. when they were not doing punishments for not making the bunk tidy enough or cleaning the bunk, they learnt drills. how to march. what was soc. how to fire a gun. running, pushups, chinups. learn how to swear in 3 languages. training to be soldiers, fight for our land. but this bonded him and his section. they laughed at the face of challenges. and it helped.

the army was the great equaliser. where the rich and the poor rubbed shoulders and suffered together.

'we had to rapidly unpack and repack a duffel bag in double quick time for no reason what so ever. we are forever waiting, just maybe for a minute or two of activity or maybe waiting for nothing. we run up and down five stairs followed by pushups, crunches, scorpion pushups and jumping jacks for a mistake someone else makes. the food in the cookhouse is passable at most, with the rare exceptions. we have rarely any free time to ourselves. we rush 5 minutes before any other platoon. our platoon sergeant is the devil incarnate; he demands nothing but utter perfection from us'

damien was cruel in his punishments. on the day of our first ever bookout, one of his platoon mates made a damning mistake. yes, he knew it was bad. but damien upon realising what he did, knocked the whole platoon down. and for the next 2 hrs, he made the platoon run up and down the stairs of the 4 story charlie building, knock it down and repeat the whole process.

'field camp just came and went. field camp was actually ok. just that you can't bathe for 4 days at most(we bathed on the 4th day)and have to powder bathe for most of the days. for the uninitiated, powder bath is as the name implies. it may sound gross, but you will be actually thankful for it. the sergeants made a big deal out of the disgusting combat rations but they were actually quite good. we had rations such as tomato pasta, satay pasta, chicken dumpling, braised chicken rice....ah the wide spread. we got to cook maggi, milo etc. the biscuits they provided were hard yes, but the thing that won us over were the sweet and delicious fruit bars. we learnt fire movements, how to tackle various situations etc.

we thought field camp would make us depressed. no it didn't, but the events on chinese new year eve before we booked out reduced our morale to a all time low. we were told to do area cleaning, and after we did it when some of people were taking a break, the sergeants punished us; hard, for it. they shouted at us and punished us even when we had already done our cleaning. people i didn't expect to cry did so, they just broke down and cry. how can the sergeants expect us to do area cleaning 24/7. surely we can take breaks in between. in case u didn't know yet, my platoon sergeant is the devil himself in a corporeal form. he can be unreasonable at times and i feel he was too unreasonable on tuesday. he told us, you all will get it when u all book in. i am not looking forward to booking in tonight.'

and the measure of a man was shown. he saw people he thought were stronger then him break down. and people he thought weaker stand up and fight for their rights. not that rights mattered anyway. but fear ruled the day.there were people who chao kenged. people who faked a back injury to get out of training. people who sucked up to the commanders. people who had no respect for themselves. he was determined not to be like that.

but he was not physically strong and struggled. he wasn't a runner or neither did he have great arm strength. his father's words came back to him: train before u go in the army; those words were just words now. he fell sick many a time, but everytime he went to medical officer, he was just given medicine and put on att b. during the situational test and was down with a fever, but he drank loads of water to counter the heat. he wanted a shot at command school so he continued with the test. but the sickeness took hold of him, and eventually it was too much and got high fever and was sent home for 2 days. the water in tekong, which induced coughing, was definitely not helping either. his regret after getting att c? not being able to march 24km with the rest of his platoon. he passed his ippt on the final day of bmtc finally.

in march, he and his platoon mates were given off on a friday to head back to their jcs to collect something that they were owed. their a level results. everyone went back to tjc botak and the girls were busy stroking the guys heads. but for him, the day was the day he knew he was going to prove lim la cheng wrong. and when his civic tutor, mr francis tay, handed him the result slip and looked at him with a smile, all he said was: "Thank you! Thats good enough for me!" A B B B3 was not the best of scores. But for him, it was victory over lim lai cheng. the woman who implied he wasn't good enough and condemned him to obscurity in a polytechnic. he would have gone to her office and shouted at her his scores, if she didn't get posted to moe in 2005.

and finally, 3 months ended. and finally he had POPed. but the first 3 months was just a prelude for the rest of his army life. but he was glad to finally escape damien's clutches. but command school was to be a dream for him. he was never to go to sispec or ocs. he knew in one aspect he was lucky, but yet he was upset. he was to become a military policeman.

safpu, the home of the provost, is located a yew tee, a place he had never heard of before. he took some difficulty locating the place and was partially relieved that the camp was not as ulu as he thought. and when he sat down in the lecture theatre and the warrant officer briefed them, he found out that they had been 'specially selected' to safpu for the national day performance. and for the next 5 months, he was to learn how to twirl and spin a rifle. and again, he was lucky, that he knew someone in provost, and that was shaun teo, an old secondary school friend.

silent precision drill squad was an honour, he was told. anyone could go for jcc or get their airborne wings if they applied for those courses. but only military police could be part of the spds. he was to learn to twirl rifles weighing 4kg. at first, it was difficult. it was bartending. but the rifle was longer and heavier. at first, he felt like he was not serving national service, but rather he was more like a clown, but the more he did it, the more he enjoyed it. it was fun. and it beat what his friends were going through. at the same moment he was twirling rifles, one of his other friends could be in the jungles finding their way out, another could be doing a 32km road march and yet another was diving deep sea. and he was sure any one of them would rather twirl a rifle. but twirling a rifle came with a different kind of stress as well. it was more mental then physical.

he passed the course and over the months, he and his course mates burnt plenty of saturdays training. this is was done to ensure that the performance on 9th august 2005 would be perfect. days were spent at the padang, the parade squad, constantly refining movements. everything had to be perfect. terms like the peacock, suicide salute, pangfu, the exchange, rotation were the names of the fancy drills he had to memorise and move sliently to the beat of the music.

sometime whilst training for his course, he had to apply for university. for nus, he applied for law, fass and science. he was intrigued by law and he was quite sure after the debacle of jc science, he didn't want to do science again. but he put science as 3rd choice anyway. for ntu, after browsing the course briefs a couple of times, he only saw one course that stood out for him. BA Communication and Information. and that was the only choice he put down for ntu. he didn't even bother to go down for the open house. he knew what he was in for if he got in. he heard it was notoriously hard to get in and with a b b b3 he had a slim shot, but it was shot none the less. since the garageband competition of 2004, he was going to give himself a shot at the media.

nus law didn't even bother to ask him to come down for an interview. but to his great surprise, ntu sci invited him for a test and interview. and so for the first time in his life, he headed down to ntu. the written test was about censorship. the interview was with 2 caucasian professions. he had brought a ridiculously tiny portfolio that consisted for works from his primary school and the garageband competition. this was minuscule compared to some others who had brought tons of their journalistic work that they had done. luckily for him, he didn't have to open the pitiful portfolio and embrass himself. he remembers the question that they asked him. 'So, why do you want to come to SCI?' he wasn't acutally prepared for the question but when he opened his mouth, the words came naturally.

he spoke of his love for electronic music. and how people never understood it and thought it was music for ah bengs. and his dream of one day possibly opening a station that plays purely electronic music in singapore. and the interviewers looked at him and smiled. 1 1/2 month later, he got accepted.

9th august did come. and everything was perfect. except for one intrepid photographer who caught on camera damning evidence of one of them dropping our rifle, and of course, the forumers at that forum were quick to condemn the squad. but they did our best and he was proud that he was part of national day.

but during this time, his relationship with God slipped out of hand slowly. and he stopped going to church completely. it obviously didn't help that his family was in taiwan and that he was alone in singapore. he had no moral support and he finally felt that the sermons were not helping him. it was one thing to be doing national service and another to be completely alone doing national service. sure he had friends, but the comfort of family was much better. every week, from bmtc to his time at provost, his friends would return home to their family, while all he had was an empty house. slowly, he slipped out of contact with his church friends and became a loner during weekends, spending his time at home alone on weekends, with the occasional outing.

quickly he also finished the basic military policeman training. he was to posted to another company within the provost. and although he enjoyed spds, he didn't want to do that for the remainder of his national service. he wanted to do something else. and he asked his sergeant to post him to the special investigation branch. he went for an interview and 1 week later, he went to the special investigation branch.

the special investigation branch,or sib, was a privileged place to be at. to enter into the offices, one had to key in a password. and the offices were all air conditoned. and the servicemen in there all wore civilian attire. they had rooms with one way mirrors. forensic kits, cameras, lie detectors. this was the real csi.

he was posted to team delta where he met his interviewers, asio hasim and io danker eilliot. io danker was going to ord soon and his ambition was to become a radio dj, somewhat like himself. 9 months from that day, eilliot fulfilled his dreams and started deejaying in radio 91.3.

but team delta also consisted of other people. sio tey, si koh and si raymond, io jowee and io richmond. and they would be his team mates for the remainder of his national service. and additionally, even though he didn't go to nus law, it was a chance to try something he was interested in and test whether he was really suitable for law or not.

the official reason why everyone wore civilian was that it was weird if a corporal questioned a officer in cases. wearing civilian would mask one true rank. but he didn't really care. he was probably one of the few people that wore civilian during his national service. but sib was not just about wearing civilian and enjoyed his own cubicle and air con. it was mentally challenging and engaging work. all the wrong doings of the saf were reported to sib, where a decision was made whether an investigation was to be done.

the first case he did was a drug case. and for the first time he was to do an interview, write a statement and most importantly, talk to offenders. it gave him insight to why they did those things they did; steal, take drugs, self harm. he was looking into the mind of the people we don't see normally: the outcasts.

he found out during this time, that the girl he liked had found a boyfriend in australia. of course, he felt happy for her. but he was sad too.

law was turning out hard for him. not because of law itself. but the moral conscience of it. who was truly guilty. was a person who took drugs because he needed a way to escape his stress wrong? or a person who hurt himself because he couldn't cope with the army stress? what was wrong and what was right? law blurred the lines. the guilty could escape with lack of evidence, even when one could conclusively prove it.

he visited the saf psychiatric ward at alexandra hospital once in a while for self harm cases. he visited other camps as well, for on site investigations. but probably the place he visited the most was the detention barracks. the detention barracks was a dark place. you could feel the dampness in spirit there. offenders of the saf locked up behind bars; eating for lunch: rice, a sausage and 4 pieces of broccolis. everyday for them they spent nearly all the time behind bars, the exception was an sib interview or physical training or a date with the court martial.

he was controlling the fate of people now. he had the power to send people to that depressing place. and it was a awful thing. it was a huge responsibility and hard to do. he became disillusioned with law slowly.

'i have seen many things in the last 3 weeks that question the moral standing of things. what is right and what is wrong. whether something as innocuous as your beliefs could get you in trouble. whether in doing your job, you lose your humanity. whether people are just making noise for the sake of doing so; for the fact of being heard but forgetting the bigger picture. some things people may do things that are justified, but the way they do it is ridiculous. they have no credit themselves thus they will not succeed.'

there came a time when his father asked him to try and apply for unsw law in perth, he did. and he got it. a double major: law/international studies. and his father encouraged him to go for it. after all, a law degree was better then some media degree. but he considered again what he would leave behind and that he had 3 other siblings who needed the money to study too. his sister was already confirmed going to study in melbourne. to send another child would be financially crushing. and by now, he was disillusioned by the way law was done. he he gave up the place. he wouldn't know what consequence that would bring. but on that day, one day when he looks back, he would see that day as a critical point in his life.

for him, he was lucky to have regular servicemen in his team that were fantastic people and treated him not as a subordinate given by the state to serve their needs, but rather as an equal. they spent time solving cases, sometimes even doing interviews till 3 am if need be. this was the way investigation was done and it was an eye opener for him. he learnt skills, how to talk, how to question, how to think during his time. sure, he didn't train physically, but mentally, he was more acute.

in september 2006:

'i finally have come to peace with myself. in the end, on hindsight, having her as a friend is indeed much better. and for all that is worth, i wish her and her boyfriend the best of luck in their relationship. it was fun spending time with one of my oldest friends after so long.'

he made peace with himself but the mask was only half cracked. he still harboured a sense of bitterness inside, though less vile now. but he still wasn't ready to accept anyone, lest the borders of friendship and relationship blurred. he just afraid that one day, if the told the girl he liked he liked her and if she rejected him, the friendship too, would be lost.

2 years. gone just like that. on 6th november 2006, he bade farewell to his team members he had worked with for the past year. he went to the s1 office, saw the clerk and announced his name. and for the first time since 7th january 05, he saw the pink card.

the first thing he felt was, strangely, bittersweetness. he had been through so much in the army. from damien, to spds to sib. it was now a part of him. he couldn't separate himself from it. the time to go was there, but there are things that he couldn't erase from himself.

and as he stepped out of mowbray camp as a civilian after saying his goodbyes to the good people he had befriended over the past 2 years, he thought of the mp motto.

'pride, discipline and honour'

it was an honour to be part of the provost corp.

but, it was time to move on now.

and he was now 20. and his mask slightly cracked but still on.
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Wednesday, August 22, 2007

in 03s05, he didn't know anyone. his friends were all scattered throughout the school. he was taking economics, biology and chemistry for the first 3 months.

on purpose, he wore tpjc's school badge upside down. he didn't want to be here and the more he stayed in the school, the more he didn't like it. he could not explain why he didn't like it. the place was alright, the people friendly. it was just the place he didn't want to be. all his life, he had wanted to tjc and now he had to wait for his results to come out. a 3 month wait.

in january, he had a bust up with one of his close friends over a damn trivial matter, a internet based game. but thankfully, it was resolved quickly. and he realised that sometimes somethings are not worth quarreling over and that shaped him. and he is thankful for not losing that relationship.

as feburary 14 approached, he contemplated finally telling the girl that he liked her. he asked for advise from his classmates in tpjc and catherine. he proceeded to buy chocolates and a card and a small gift.

on the night of feburary 14, he contacted her on the pretext of lending a book to her and this was done with the help for their siblings. and he went to the backyard of the house. he was really nervous and he looked at the playground. he looked at the stars. and he thought to himself, this is it. she finally came out and it began. and after a load of fluff, he finally thrusted the gifts to her and told her: 'I really really like you' and those were the exact words he used. and the taken aback at first she replied with a thank you. he asked her if he could bring her out. and she said: 'we will see'. and then they dallied a while, and they said their goodbyes. and he went home happy. very happy that he got it off his chest. but concerned at the same time
that she didn't give him a definite answer. but he was content.

he still chatted with her, via letters and sms, trying to fix a time to go out with her, but always something got in the way. but it didn't matter did it? he understood. but he was so blind. blinded by love. but he didn't know what to do either. he was always so passive. he never knew how to express love. and probably still doesn't. thats why he always ends in up in regret. in hurt. he always cares too much or cares too little and he gets involved to emotionally sometimes and he sometimes always thinks of the other person first. he was never the alpha male.

in march, he headed back to his secondary school. in the hall he lined up to get his a level results. and after 38 other people cried, screamed and shouted in joy, pain or anguish, the anticipation built. this was it. he saw miss woon at the table. and she gave a smile as she handed him the paper. and he quickly scrolled down the list of subjects. 1...1...2....2...2...1...3....3....and he did a quick mental calculation and he did a quick run around the hall in excitement. he was going to tjc!

back in tpjc though, he must have stepped on someone's toes or burnt a bridge by mistake as one of his classmates from then on refused to talk to him again, ignored him whenever he tried to make conversation. and this same person was going to tjc as well. and he never understood what he did, but he never spoke with that person again sadly. he never knew what he did.

'enjoY ur time in tjC but dun forget those ppl who were with u during e first 3 monthS eh..' that was what someone told him. but he or they did eventually. and so how do you measure the value of friendship, he thought. do we all eventually move on in different cliques? and he was thinking.

in my first day of tjc, he knew this was the place he wanted to be. he could feel it. and what made things better? his good friends, young chuan and wenjie were going to be his classmates in 21/03, a triple science class. and on the first day of school, he saw an indian, the only non chinese fellow walk in the class. young chuan introduced him as kumar and they had been in rugby together. there was another guy too, a hong konger by the name of ho choi. and he made more friends.

SARS was a tragedy. nurses were discriminated. doctors were feared. anyone with a fever was quarantined and school was out for 2 weeks. and that killed his momentum.

when school started he decided to do some radical. he decided to run for house committee. and under his primary school friend, jonathan ang's encouragement, he tried out taekwondo as well. his mother was aghast, but when he told her his other choice, rugby, she accepted taekwondo.

for his first time at taekwondo, the seniors pushed them to their limits, making them stretch impossible stretches. not surprisingly, the next session few people remained. he would have gotten inside house committee. if not for an embrassing answer he gave on stage to the house. but it was alright. but of course he was disappointed. he always wanted to try and join a committee.

he didn't get in the taekwondo committee either. but it was alright. he enjoyed taekwondo and the people there. he loved the teamspirit and the energy.

in june, he was online and decided just for fun, to find the girl he liked's blog. and he found it. and he was deeply hurt. she wrote that that he treated him more like a brother and didn't know how to react and that she liked some other guy. word got back to her that he found her blog and they talked over the phone and she told him what he already knew. and he agreed that they just remained good friends. but after he put down the phone, he cried. and cried. he felt incredibly upset. he regretted not taking action in secondary 2. he blamed himself. he blamed God. he wished he could bend time. he cursed. raged. and then he was a wreck. he called catherine and talked it over with her and it helped but not much. and that day was June 15 2003.

and it was a changing point in his life. and he hardened himself and his heart. be a gentleman, but nothing more. and he bitterly said:' love is a lie' and advocated that thought.

as a sign of getting rid of the old, he shaved his head after the june break. but that didn't help his jcts. he failed spectacularly. he didn't heed the signs and probably june 15 didn't help either. perhaps the lan centre in school had something to do with it or maybe he was just lazy. or maybe he just spent everyday at the computer.

in class, cliques were being built, but although he didn't like it, he kept quiet. why can't everyone just get along. the loners were out casted. so were those deemed to have different interests. it just happens i guess, but he wished he could do something about it.

promos he failed too, and even worse. he had to see the principal, lim lai cheng, with his parent. his father elected to come. he was incredibly depressed at the end of 2003. he wrote in his journal about his depression and even wrote a semi-quasi-suicide note. "I really do feel like ending it right here and now." God was slowly slipping out of his life. he let it slip away slowly but he didn't realise it.

on that saturday morning, his father came, all dressed formally with his army uniform. this was to be his first of 2 meetings with lim lai cheng.
and he remembers that day clearly.

"Did you know your son has not done well in his promotional examinations? We recommend either he retain one year or drop out and try the polytechnics. Based on our past experience, this is usually better."

he seethed inside and wanted to take smash the table over her head. all she cared about was the reputation and scores of the school and for the first time and only time, he hated the school. anger, an emotion he wasn't familiar with. he always was the cheerful guy, the one always smiling. the one without problems. but look at him now.

but his father showed a great deal of faith in him and said:

"This is my son. I know his potential and I am sure that he can and will do better than this."

and he felt so much better. his father had the faith in him that he could do it. and he promised himself that he would prove that woman wrong.

on a compromise, she made him drop a subject and physics was no more. but he had to pass mct or else.

2003 was a bitter year for him. but at the end of 2003 there was a small silver lining that he managed to go to sarawak on an overseas community involvement programme. and he saw hills and knolls he never saw before. and the water was fresh and the people were friendly. but deep in his heart he was still thinking of June 15 and one night, he went to the valleys and sang Come What May to the them.

'come what may, i will love you until my dying day'

in 2004, he became an ogl and led a group called the pirates and he had such great fun. it was in january 2004, that the girl he liked told him she was going to migrate to australia. he was sad, but he didn't show it. he asked her why and she said that her father made the decision. he couldn't do anything about it. on the day she left, he went to the airport and after he said his goodbyes to her and her family and stepped into the departure hall and her back turned, he teared again. and this was the first time he teared twice for the same person.

march, he had radical plans to save his place in tjc. he had a place in pasir ris and invited his friends from is class to come and study with him. and he had a 5 day 4 night study camp there. and they helped each other revise. and it worked. he got d e e for his mct, ensuring his stay in tjc.

in april 2004, he joined a garageband competition that challenged competitors to arrange a song on garageband and stand a chance to win an ipod or even a macbook. he told himself, if he won something from that competition, he would seriously consider a career in music production. after convincing the it hod to let him use the school's mac lab for his song, he arranged Life Remixed and sent in in. he got an email reply 4 weeks later telling him to go to centro for a prize ceremony. it was the first time he entered a club and one of his proudest achievements. he won an ipod and he started considering music production as a career.

although he began to study hard, he failed his jct for year 2. and this was to be the 2nd time he was to see lim lai cheng. and to make things worse, his father and his family were due to go taiwan. his father had successful in getting the post overseas and he was to work there for 3 years. his father decided to bring is family there too. but he couldn't go as national service was just next year.

his parents couldn't be there this time and thus, his uncle took his father's place. and again his uncle assured that, he having a doctorate in maths, would help to ensure that his nephew wouldn't screw up his subjects and personally help his growth in maths. his uncle managed to hammer out another ultimatum. prelims: pass them or repeat year 2. and for good measure, his uncle moved in with him.

he wrote this in august 04:
---
when i was just a little boy
i asked my mother what will i be
will i be handsome, will i be rich
here's what she said to me:

you will be loved, be loved, be hurt and learn to
let go, learn to adventure, learn to fall down and experience
happiness, sadness and both at once and then
look head, look behind and look around to
see, to feel and to taste the
joys, the sorrow, the confusion that
surrounds us, covers us and envelopes us like
a warm blanket, a icy chill and a dreadful terror that
will make you the kind of person that you will be.


and that is what she said to me.
---

the bitterness began to set in. slowly again. after his failed promos and jct, he was feeling angry inside again.

but his uncle did help he tremendously. his uncle's speciality in statistics helped him loads in the prelims and it showed. even with his parents and 2 younger siblings in taiwan, he somehow managed to get d d e for his prelims. and he proved it to lai cheng again, that he could do it and prove her wrong. but then it was the a levels.

luckily for him (or Godsent), during that period lightning struck his computer and he could not play games. but it was probably a blessing in disguise. and he went he wrote the shaded the last circle in the bio mcq, he felt a sense of relief. first that he had gotten pass the turbulent 2 years in jc. and second he had crossed his hardest hurdle yet.

and in mini celebration of sorts, he spent the month before he went to ns in taiwan. with his parents. he dyed his hair for the first time and enjoyed winter for a whole month.

but he couldn't help but feel. that the last 2 years were probably the worst in his life. he loved his school, his class but spiritually, emotionally and character wise he took a hit.

a friend told him: 'it is not that you don't want it. it is that you don't want to have it. (because you know what would happen if you try to)'

over the last 2 years, he had probably the worse parts of his life. he had gone through an emotional rollercoaster. he begin to think more. observe more. but never act. he always never acted. he has had many regrets in his life, till then. but the regrets wouldn't end there.

he from then on put a mask on, probably subconsciously. the smiling person, the one always willing to help friends but only as friends and not more than friends. nothing was too hard, just ask him. sure he was lazy, but if u asked nicely he would help you. but underneath that, he was actually cold, bitter and spiritually challenged. and he adopted the joker as his persona. always with a mask that masked his true intentions. he could angry if he wanted, and only if you pissed him off enough he would take off his mask. he became a skeptic. but inherently, he had empathy. but that would now torture him daily. till today.

on the last day of school in tjc, as he left the school gates for the last time as a student, he looked back at the school and thought to himself.

'for college, for nation'

the college and events inside changed him. and soon it would be the nation's turn.

and then he was 18. and he had his mask on.

and love was a lie to him.

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Sunday, August 19, 2007

in secondary 1/7, he given index number 40 and sat among 39 other unfamiliar faces. he was told to introduce himself to class with an adjective. he chose the word 'mischievous'. he lived up to his name. he was quite outspoken for his age. in his new class one day and finally being unable to stand one of his classmates that his fellow classmates hated, he stood up and complained to the teacher in front of the class.

his new classmates were joining uniformed group ccas. npcc, ncc, st john's ambulance. some were into sports, basketball for example, and others into aesthetics, the band. he originally considered the band, till his mother told him no: it would take too much time she said.

and with that, he joined the it and av club.

the old building at bedok south always frightened him. once, when he went to toilet alone in broad daylight, he could feel a creeping sensation, a heavy aura in the air. it wasn't right. luckily for him, the school was due to move to a new premises in upper changi road. the new building was newer, fresher and he and his fellow students were granted front row seats and rights to use and abuse the premises.

secondary school life was very much different. he did reasonably well in school, save chinese, of course. he took part in the national robotics competition with his it club mates. he took part in the intra level chess tournament where he won first place, the first of 3 times over the next four years he would win the same medal. it was in semifinal of his secondary one games where he played against a certain steve teo. steve was in the it club and av club as well. and it was this other boy who influenced his taste in music in a great way.

now steve was an ardent fan of trance music and he introduced him to trance music. one of the first songs he introduced was bt's dreaming. and he loved it. and although he had bought his first dance cd in 1997, which was called titanic dance, due to the advent of audiogalaxy and napster, he began to explore and appreciate the genres of music called trance and techno. he also began to understand and appreciate game music as they were in essence, electronic based too. frank klepacki's hell march was a major influence. and from there he started to build up a collection of electronica and game music. he also dabbled in soundtrack music. his first soundtrack cd he ever owned was the con-air ost.

now in his church, he had another good friend, called siyuan. siyuan, like him, was a gamer. and he was the one who got him interested in another thing. it was called counter-strike. counter-strike then was in beta 6. and he spent hours after hours with siyuan playing counterstrike via his 56k modem connection. of course, with counterstrike, came another titular title. half-life. and he learnt to appreciate first person shooters along with the real time strategy games he already enjoyed. he was a lousy sniper though. it was in a counterstrike game he picked up the nickname, purekrome.

in fact, it wasn't his nickname to begin with. it was one of the other player's nicknames. pure krome (the real one), was an australian and was saying that calling a westerner an ang moh was the same as calling a chinese a chink. that got him angry with the australian and he quarreled with the australian that they were in fact not the same and that chink was more derogatory. in the end, in a final effort to try and piss the australian off, he took the australian's nick pure krome, and used it as his own, changing it to [pure]krome so it seemed that when the australian killed him, he was killing himself. it was a childish attempt to make it seem that he won. but he liked the nick and for the next 7 years used it for himself, albeit altered.

he was bought a super nintendo when he was in primary school and was still playing it in his secondary school. he could play mario and donkey kong the whole day, finding out every single secret exit. this, mind you was during the burst of popularity of the playstation. mario never tired him. the super nintendo set is still playable in his house right now, a relic that reminds him of his youth.

he had supported manchester united from 1997, when his cousin, ivan, influenced him in the red's way. he also found the owls of sheffield wednesday nice for some odd reason, but after they got relegated, he lost interest in the owls. one night, the night before he had a home economics exam the next day, he secretly sneaked down to catch manchester united play arsenal. it seemed to head toward a draw until in the last few minutes of the match, manchester united scored. he made a small cheer and immediately a door upstairs opened. his father woke up and heard a sound, apparently.

in his panic, he tried to off the lights and television and hide in the cupboard, hoping that his father would not find his errant son watching football at 1am in the night. unfortunately for him, his plan backfired magnificently. he slipped on a carpet which was below the lights and his foot rammed the heavy wooden door. and immediately he felt a a shot of pain rush through his body. he stared at his foot and saw his 2nd toe on his right leg bent to a side. his father, upon hearing a even louder sound came rushing down and saw his son lying on the ground. he came up with a feeble answer and his father threatened to use only chopsticks to put his toe back into place. his parents eventually sent him to a hospital where they discovered a hairline fracture in the toe. ironically, he was wearing superman pajamas that night. he was to spend the next month walking with crutches. and the toe would always be bent to a side.

but supporting manchester united came with reward. he was watching the match where manchester united beat bayern munich 2-1 at the death to win the champions league and the treble. it remains one of his best memories ever.

he was promoted to secondary 2/5. in the year 2000, he helped out as backstage crew during his school's 20th anniversary and in that backstage crew, he made 2 more good friends of his, young chuan and wenjie. and he would be part of the backstage crew for another 2 years.

it was in 2000, that the girl who wasn't in temasek secondary started writing to him via paper letters he found in his mailbox. he never really talked to her in the year that had passed and was pleasantly surprised to receive letters from her. she lived so near that she didn't have to put postage. he returned the favours in kind and replied each letter and kept each letter. but he didn't really know why he did that. she was a good friend though. after all his siblings and her siblings were all friends.

he started helping the youth ministry in his church. he helped out in publicity, but really didn't do much. he stepped down from the post after one year. but he still went to church. but he began to question things now.

in secondary 3, he went to a triple science class, 3/2. steve, young chuan and wenjie were all in the same class. miss woon was his form teacher and biology teacher and he credits her to making biology interesting. she was a good teacher.

in 2001, the girl he was writing to told him via a letter that she liked him. he was taken aback by the message. yes this was the same girl he had told him liked in primary one. but it was too sudden for him. he wrote back to her and gave a lame excuse that studies were more important and told her maybe later. she was to brush it off in a later letter that she only wrote that as her sister told her to write it, but he never bought it. but that was to be one of his greatest regrets in his life, but he didn't know it then.

he was given an interesting proposition later that year. his father's friend had applied for a job in the us and gotten it. in fact, this was the same post his father applied for but failed to get. his father encouraged him to take sats and go to states for studies, living with his friend, where it would do him good. but for the sake of friends he had made and possibly with the girl at the back of his mind, he declined the offer, stating that at only 15, he would not know how to take care of himself in a foreign land. many others would have jumped at that same offer, and when he looks back, he sometimes regrets not going.

in secondary 3, he also began to play around with music software. groovemaster, dance ejay and traktor. and it was in secondary 3, he arranged his first track. and he called it osmossis, after the scientific term of osmosis he recently learnt. it was from here he began to try to teach himself music software, trying to construct his own music. a good thing was that steve was sitting beside him, and they constantly traded music.

in 2001, he watched one plane crash into the world trade centre in new york live on television. and the world was about change in a big way. but he didn't know how.

from 3/2 he went to 4/2. he had finally passed his o level chinese with a b3, to a huge sigh of relief. and now he set his sights in doing well for his prelims and get to tjc in the first three months. but it was not to be. he got 16 points for his prelims and to his great disappointment he was to be in tpjc for the first 3 months. he had only wanted to go to tjc all this time and obviously not vjc, after vs rejected him 4 years ago. he had now to redouble his efforts as he would be without the 2 bonus points from being in tjc the first 3 months.

almost everyday, he would spend his day with wenjie, young chuan, steve and 3 other friends in the school library. doing the insanely difficult raffles papers and mugging. ice milo and chicken burgers served as snacks and he left with his friends after the sun set. the girl that he liked had retained in secondary 3. she failed her secondary 3 exams. he wondered why. but that would mean that she and him would never be in the same standard anymore. and that made him feel wretched. but he didn't know why he cared either. he blamed the hormones but that was unlikely the case.

the o levels was a stressful part of the year. all his life in secondary school now hinged on this exam. he finished the papers. and outside the school on the final day of exams, he saw people burning the textbooks they would not read again. it was finally over. his 4 year journey had come to an end. he hoped for the best and hoped that in march of 2003, he would get a favourable result that would get him to tjc.

it was time to bid farewell to temasek secondary. they had a graduation ceremony where they stood on a platform and their class representive gave a short speech. they took photographs after the event. photographs he still has. 4 years spent in this place. and all the memories condensed into pieces of photo paper. he wished that he could crystallise the memories where he made good friends and enjoyed the tau sar baos, ice milos and mee sotos.

in december 2002 though, he went to miyazaki, japan on a student exchange with his sister. he was excited to say the least. he had been watching anime on axn since secondary one and had watched rurouni kenshin and flame of recca at least 2 times each. and the trip deepened his love for the country, which was beautiful. his homestay family there had 3 sons and he was invited to partake in their lifestyle. he took their contacts in hope of remaining in contact, but after a while after the trip, he stopped writing. it was on this trip however, that he made his first god-sibling. and her name was catherine.

and when he came back, he knew he had to brace himself for school, in a place he didn't want to be at.

'aim and achieve'

he stared at those words on the school logo. and that was the first day of school of 2003. he certainly hoped he would get his aim.

and then he was 16.

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Friday, August 17, 2007

the only thing he remembers of py9, honestly, is day where a friend celebrated his birthday in class. a cake, and then nothing.

primary 1/8, 2/8 seem to be blanks in his memory as well. he got 100 in a maths test, the only time he even got full marks for a test. term 3, primary 1. and that would be his only perfect score. ever. he begged his parents to buy him a piano in 1993. he got grade one after 4 more years and stopped. the piano now is still at his home as a symbol of entire regret of what could have been.

but it was not so much the classes that would change his life. its was the school bus. in primary one, he was on board a bus on the way home, and he was together in the school bus with the usual people. and in the school bus he knew a few people and one of the people on the bus was a girl.

and for an inexplicable reason, one that still he does not understand, on one evening as he was going home together on that school bus, he told her he loved her. she stared back blankly. a primary one kid! could he understand the notions of love? no, he couldn't. and that was a turning point in his life. that instance, would change his life. but he wouldn't know. how could he possibly see the future.

primary 3/5 and 4/5 were noted for his decline in the chinese language, his horrible form teachers. but in these classes, he made a friend that he still keeps in contact today. it was in primary 4 he joined ecas. he tried sailing. but he hated it. he couldn't sail. his instructor barked at him. he had enough. he gave it up after a year and a half.

in that squad, there was a person called maximilian soh. maximilian would grow up and be a future asian games medalist. but the boy did not know the future. so he left sailing. he joined mini tennis. he had fun, yes, but was never good enough for the school team.

in 1996, he was made prefect. he wore a tie to school everyday, he was able to book people, he liked it. then strangely, the next year, for a reason he can't recall, he was no longer a prefect. and that was that. he passed a special test that allowed him to go to special stream at tao nan primary. he did not go, he wanted to be with his friends. in 1996, the family grew bigger. he had now another sister. he hoped that it would be a boy. but it was girl. but he was not all that disappointed.

in 1997, his father suffered a parachuting injury. one that when he looks back today, still horrifies him. the left arm, skin was cut and bone exposed. the left face scarred. and he learnt about the frailty of life. and he thanked god his father survived.

but he would soon learn about death. he watched his grandfather lie dying in a hospital bed. lung cancer the doctors said, and he didn't have long. he passed on soon after. he never really liked his paternal grandfather; he was always shouting at him when he stayed up playing the sega saturn in his grandparents house till 1am and ran around the house. his maternal grandparents died when he was little and he never had any recollection of them. he even played catching during the funeral with his cousins.

then his father came and rebuked him. his father harshly told him that his father was dead and was never coming back. and then he realised for the first time what was death. it was the first time he saw death come and take away someone he knew from him. and then he could feel sadness. he never liked is grandfather, but when he saw the body there in that coffin, he realised what his father meant. and he cried for his grandfather for the first time. and he swore to himself on that day that he would never ever smoke. not even one puff.

he went to 5/8. there he met a teacher that he still appreciates today. mrs lilian lee. she was a great impact in is life and under her classes, he enjoyed school tremendously. in 1997, in between hopscotch games, catching and rounders, he played a game that would change his life. red alert. it was from then, his interest in gaming and more importantly computers developed. and though he didn't know it then, his interest in music as well. frank klepacki would become a major influence later on. 1997 was his first brush with the media. he applied and got into a tv game show called kids at work. he spelled skeleton wrongly, lost out on points and promptly blamed his partner for not collecting the final ball that would enable them to get the special prize.

1998 was the crunch year. in the months leading to october, he studied and studied. just for something called psle. he attended chinese tuition under a fat jolly ex commando called mr roger koh, another teacher he appreciates.

1998 october, 4 days of stress. he finished it. he waited for the results. he sat in the class room of 6/2 in late november. mrs lee called his name, and he went up to collect his results.3 as and 1 a star. he got an a in chinese and 241 wasn't too shabby a score and he was happy.

victoria school and anglican high turned him down. temasek secondary gladly accepted him. and when later, when his dad's friend could pull strings to get him into vs, he vehemently protested. he was not going to a school just because of string pulling, more so a school that did not accept him for his talents.

all this time the girl he told he liked in primary 1 was still there. her siblings became his siblings friends and she moved even closer to his home. but he clean forgot about the school bus. it was just a one off thing, wasn't it? she didn't go temasek though.

he had his friends else where as well. he attended sunday school faithfully, could remember the books in the Bible with ease. he could recite verses just like that. well the others played soccer he preferred just to watch. he loved flags and collected stamps for fun. he taught chess himself. he stayed at home the whole time. he never was the sporty type you know.

1999, january 4, he made his way to bedok south, to an old building they called temasek secondary.

'we care'

those words printed boldly on the wall. he laughed on the inside the first time he saw it. he saw the head prefect pass by him. she looked the studious type, tall, not attractive at all. all the secondary one students knew who she was but not her name. it was later he found out: joanne peh.

and then he was 12.
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Sunday, August 12, 2007

in 1986 in mount alvernia hospital , a small cry broke the silence in the night. 3am in the morning, it could have been a cry of warning to the world. the wonder was why the name, to which an answer was given, but to him it was also amusing that a name was given that meant burden. one that brought warning and punishments. but also, the name was significant, because his namesake was called by God to do His work. one that wasn't his actual job.

at the end of august 1986, a group of babies were baptized together at a chapel, and that would seal their fate for the next 2 decades.

the first few years, were hazy. picking up a dialect that he can't speak fluently anymore but at the same time appreciating teochew cuisine. fried wantons were a favourite and still are. he loved his grandmother and still very much does.

the early years were spent in tampines. a place fading away quickly. certain memories of a giraffe at the zoo and godparents are all that are left.

in 1990, the housing changed to a place larger, a place now he is familiar with. he was now not alone and he had 2 more, a sister and a brother as well.

in 1992, he attended his first form of formal education. kindergarten notwithstanding, at a place he called school. it was st hilda's primary and the class was py 9.

'go forward'

at that time, that was the only way to go. and the future was still unseen.

and then, he was 6.

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Saturday, August 11, 2007

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Friday, August 10, 2007

my brain has just melted after reading the 19562061 posts on the COM203 discussion board.

this coupled with the fact i have to do make up reading on the business law lecture (00956) i missed, as well as readings for western film theory (64118) and COM203, means tomorrow, I will most likely have to down a few kopis before i start the day.

the points on COM203 have been repeated to death. lets just get over it and move on already.

and yes if you didn't notice it earlier: i got western film theory, business law and japanese 1. please say someone got western film theory. i don't want to do a presentation all by my lonesome.

but to think of it, i have been rather lucky thus far. i have gotten all i wanted to get. sometimes really luckily. one day i just got out of bed and saw western film theory 64118/1/0 and nabbed it.

good luck to the rest of you guys.
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Thursday, August 09, 2007

like i promised. here is boyinthereflection v2.

spent 4 hrs working hard at the computer, stealing nice blogskins and modding them to fit my use. (don't tell anyone ok)

initially planned for the flamboyant. however, finally decided on a simple design. that is elegant at the same time.

be human is a track from ghost in the shell. it tells of the desire of a android to become more human.

sometimes, we just lack the human trait in us. i am particularly guilty of that.

picture taken in hokkaido. work done in photoshop.

sorry i lied about the cookies.
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brand new boyinthereflection coming soon.

promise.

and yes, we will come with cookies too.

p.s: i hate ntu's retarded subject module bidding system. reminder to bring machete to school.
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Monday, August 06, 2007

after 2 and a half years of waiting, school is finally upon me.

welcome back.
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Saturday, August 04, 2007

small world.
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d.jkr
shps:tms:tjc:safmpc:
wkwsci:sdsu
music.sleep.think


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