page 16: decieve - shadow clown.
Monday, October 29, 2007
mused @ 11:09 PM
i believe in fate, not destiny.
the dictionary defines fate as the development of events beyond ones control. i beg to defer. i regard it as the things that are meant to happen, ie, the people you will meet, the events that occur. i believe that it is God's plan who you meet, what happens, even though i have wandered off a bit.
i agree with the dictionary's definition of destiny, that is the things that will necessarily happen to a person in the future. but i don't believe in destiny.
how you react to the things will determine what happens in the future. it is like there are many parallel universes laid out for us at a moment we have to make a decision. if only you can look into those universes and explore what would happen in them. its like a million parallel universes are created everytime you make a decision.
but once you made a decision, there is no turning back, there is no chronosphere, no alternate universe travel machine that will allow you to explore the other 'could have beens'. so i must once again learn to look forward.
i will elaborate more on this topic and the 3 types of time travel possibilities there are in the future.
i think i discovered i find creative energy in pain. the more tortured i feel, afterwards, i feel a strange burst of creative energy. its like i have a weapon that converts my pain into power, but to use the power i have to feel pain. i wouldn't want to guess too much, but i read before that most comics are complex people in real life. maybe i am one of those tortured comics. but that will be elevating myself to a position which i don't deserve.
yet. bwahaha.
--
shinkai's been unleashed.
2 weeks!
Labels: hypothetical thoughts, life in general
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page 15: i need a permanent break from myself.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
mused @ 9:45 PM
"Mom — Mom, don't. Don't, it's just... maybe I don't have to be special. That's okay to just be a normal watchmaker. Can't you just tell me that's enough?
- Sylar
"But why would you want to be normal, when you can be so much more?"
- Virginia Gray, "Heroes"
---
You can travel the world
But you can't run away
From the person you are in your heart
You can be who you want to be
Make us believe in you
Keep all your light in the dark
If you're searchin for truth
You must look in the mirror
And make sense of what you can see
Just be
Just beDJ Tiesto - Just Be---
I need to believe, that something extraordinary is possible.
- Alicia NashFind a truly original idea. It is the only way I will ever distinguish myself. It is the only way I will ever matter.
- John Nash, "A Beautiful Mind"---
All my life I had been looking for something, and everywhere I turned someone tried to tell me what it was. I accepted their answers too, though they were often in contradiction and even self-contradictory. I was naïve. I was looking for myself and asking everyone except myself questions which I, and only I, could answer. It took me a long time and much painful boomeranging of my expectations to achieve a realization everyone else appears to have been born with: that I am nobody but myself.
-Ralph Ellison, "Battle Royal"
---
all my life, i have been searching for something. all my life, i have closed the doors to some opportunities that were given to me on a silver platter. and because of this, i am living as a tangle of logic, of irony, of extreme empathy and of self-centredness.
its funny if you don't seize the experience to do something, when there is another chance for you to try again, you may not get it due to the lack of.
its funny when you shut the door, it may be the same door you want to open again, but this time it will be locked.
its funny when i think i want something badly but i when i get it i realise this is not what i really wanted.
then i wonder and look to God, whom i have left on the shelf for the last 2 years. now relegated to a dusty relic in the recesses of my mind. and now i take him out again, dust him off... but God is not to be treated like that.
so God.... i know that i am privileged enough to have passed my A levels; that was no fluke.
.... i know i am lucky to be born to a decent family; i don't have to rob to sustain myself.
.... i know that i have the resources i need to do what i want to do; i can learn anything i wanted to.
--
so tell me why God....
... why i am so lazy to learn something new? why if its there, why if its within my grasp i don't want to grab it.
... why i think so much? why do i think of the possibilities that never could be, torturing my self in the process. like cutting myself, but mentally. over and over and over and over and over again.
... why i am so obsessed over setbacks ? i know i shouldn't. if i fail i should pick myself and continue. but i can't? because i am afraid of failure over and over?
...why i am so unhappy with myself? there is this giant hole. some would say it is you, and they are probably right.
...why do i fluctuate emotions like a damn pendulum?
...why do i put on a facade? the mask still clings on tightly. i have tried to let it go, but it serves only to confuse myself further.
so why God?
why did you make me like this?
AND WHY NOW?
--
why indeed.Labels: life in general
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page 14: chemicals, i hate you.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
mused @ 11:28 PM
yes i feel better.
much better.
we resume normal programming. bleh.
and for once, it feels good being alone.
at least i can wonder around myself.
heh.
--
yes high and dry till 35. thank God.
Labels: life in general
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page 13: addenum
Sunday, October 21, 2007
mused @ 1:05 PM
There was a boy
A very strange enchanted boy
They say he wandered very far, very far
Over land and sea
A little shy and sad of eye
But very wise was he
And then one day
A magic day he passed my way
And while we spoke of many things
Fools and kings
This he said to me
"The greatest thing you'll ever learn
Is just to love and be loved in return"
Labels: life in general
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page 13: deja vu
mused @ 12:47 AM
i had a deja vu today.
it was a dream i had.
i know i heard those words before, thats why i decided to say what i said.
been getting deja vus lately. maybe i can see the future, like issac mendez.
--
yea right.
Labels: life in general
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page 12:
Monday, October 15, 2007
mused @ 4:18 PM
no i am not ready.
3 weeks more to the exams. it comes silently, like a stalker. there is so much to do suddenly, an avalanche of work. the scythe is hanging over my head, threatening to drop.
no i am not ready.
it still burns. it still is fresh. it is still too raw. i cannot let it go. i don't want to take the risk. i can't tell the difference. I CAN'T TELL THE DIFFERENCE.
no i am not ready.
let it go.
for my own sake please.
just forget it.
no i am not ready.
no i am not ready.
--
JUST WAKE UP.
i am fine really.
Labels: life in general
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page 11: i will meet you in the next life, when we are both cats.
Sunday, October 14, 2007
mused @ 11:49 AM
reached home at 4. slept to 730. ate dinner till 9. studied to 3.
tried to keep awake with milk, soup, cereal and chocolate. (bloated)
rereading dracula is not easy. the pressure that comes as the term paper comes is strangely good for doing work.
in 4 more weeks, the exams will be here (gasp). i should be panicking really, but if i revise every day from now till that date, i should be safe (yeah right)
the truth is i am afraid. like the debacle of 03/04 threatens to come back and repeat itself again. a quick recap, those were the 'golden' years, where i failed practically every exam known to man. its amazing how i got to ntu really.
but fear manifests itself in more ways then one. there is the fear of the known. and also the fear of the unknown.
the fear of the known is you assuming the same outcome will happen when you do the same thing. it is but an prediction how something will turn out. but is it true everytime?
like how dracula is a fear of the unknown, i feel myself facing something i cannot comprehend because i have either rejected or avoided the unknown all together.
and now we resume normal programming that is study.
--
"that is good logic, so far as it goes. but how do you - how can you account for it not being there?" - van Helsing.Labels: school life
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page 10: footnote - an oops moment.
Thursday, October 04, 2007
mused @ 11:17 PM
even the straits times makes mistakes.
its oranges with lemons by the way. i don't see how you can compare apples with apples...
:)
Labels: life in general
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page 10: the minister strikes back.
mused @ 3:23 PM
for a journalistic entry on the ministerial forum today at the nanyang audi: refer to
terence's blog.for the other things (but still truthful nonetheless) read on:
when mm lee arrived in nanyang audi, people got off their seats, applauded him. after all, he is the founding father of modern singapore. i don't give my applause so readily to anyone, but i found myself clapping quite readily. i am politically apathetic but here is man who has done more in a lifetime than most.
in a summary his opening address was about singapore's future and how we were to keep ahead. first, he said, in this period of prosperity, there must be planning for troubled times. this comment was also rather common sense, but surprisingly, many people do not heed it . we are kind of blinded by the good news that we don't know what to do if the bad news strikes.
second, the need to bring our neighbours up to speed. singapore's economy depends on them too. if we have rich neighbours, we will be rich too. also there will be less tension between them and us. and i think there was a third point.
but i digress. the main reason, though, for me being there was for the discussion between him and students.
i am glad terence was the first to go ahead to speak today. it probably takes a lot of guts to do it (he told me that his legs were shaking whilst asking the question thought) but if he didn't do it, he probably would not have a chance to speak. "with the advent of web 2.0 and the new forms of media, how is censorship relevant today" - or something like that was his question.
after terence, were a string of foreign students. chinese, indian, vietnamese. but where were the singaporeans? zak was queuing up in line but he never got his chance in the end. i think it kind of annoyed mm lee in a sense that no singaporean student wanted to ask him a question. so much so that he extended the forum another 10 minutes to answer 2 more singaporean's questions.
there was this girl, called michelle, from english literature, who i thought had the balls to actually ask mm lee to wait when he wanted to close the session. she stated that there weren't any arts questions and when she did ask a question about arts, she didn't have the substance to carry it through. too bad though, she was quite daring. how many people can ask mm lee to wait?
now, after this forum, i realised why mm lee is good at what he is doing. he of course, is a politician. in all the questions he answered (or could not answer), he sidestepped them. but did he really sidestep them? if you read into his responses, you can actually find some truth in them. when answering terence's question about censorship, he did not exactly answer the question per se, but if you read deep into his answer ('we don't track what you do on the internet, you are free to access any site, we have credible publications in st and zb'), he actually is challenging you in a sense to answer your own question. or rather, the tools are there, but it is up to you to use them.
same with michelle's question. i found it highly amusing when he replied michelle's question (censorship is limiting singaporean's exposure to the arts and hence their creativity in the whole) this way: 'you mean that censorship is making us less creative and suppressing your own individual creativity?'
you better phrase your stuff right before you ask mm lee anything.
whenever a foreign student stood up to ask mm lee a question, he would always ask them one question. where do you come from and how long have you learnt english? it may have been a question to let him compose his thoughts and think of an answer, but what struck me was something different. why did always ask the same question all the time? these mainland chinese are catching up. fast. although these are the brightest of the lot, it doesn't take 10% of the chinese and indians to be bright for them to be leaders of the world economy. just 0.1% is enough.
he always commended the chinese and indians who took the mic to have good english. and if i read his purpose correctly, it was a pseudo-warning to us singaporeans: the chinese and indians are coming, and if you don't buck up, ship out.
where were the singaporeans? i will never know whether those in queue were singaporeans but the first few speakers were all foreigners (bar terence), which is worrying for us locals. has the silver spoon jaded us to this degree? i would have asked him a question, but i had nothing to ask, which now on hindsight is a pity.
another piece of trivia was revealed too when a vietnamese (sci year 2) asked him if he could a course in ntu now, what course would he have taken if he was 19 years old. he said economics and maths (for the economy) and political science (for politics). but the thing is, he said he would not have taken law again. the reasoning i found strikingly similiar to mine: in law, the better paying clients are usually the ones who are least morally credible. and all they(lawyers) had to do was to use their skills to prove who was right and wrong. and of course, with more money, you can afford better lawyers. but i guess, for the lawyer who is defending the better paying client, the cost of it is your moral soul.
it was interesting to observe mm lee and the things on the table during the forum. he touched his nose at least 5 times during the entire forum when he spoke, probably a bad habit. and the water on his table. how many security checks must it have gone through before he finally got to drink it. my roommate mentions whenever he said "the government", his hand was on his chest.
there were times in the answers to the questions, he sidetracked badly. there was this chinese student who had asked bout migration of people from singapore and to singapore. and somehow he got lost in climate change in the end while trying to link the two together. age may have finally caught up with him....
but he is mm lee.
--
mm lee is really old by the way.
i mean sitting in the same room as him shows his age.
lol.
Labels: school life, singapore
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