page 15: i need a permanent break from myself.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
mused @ 9:45 PM
"Mom — Mom, don't. Don't, it's just... maybe I don't have to be special. That's okay to just be a normal watchmaker. Can't you just tell me that's enough?
- Sylar
"But why would you want to be normal, when you can be so much more?"
- Virginia Gray, "Heroes"
---
You can travel the world
But you can't run away
From the person you are in your heart
You can be who you want to be
Make us believe in you
Keep all your light in the dark
If you're searchin for truth
You must look in the mirror
And make sense of what you can see
Just be
Just beDJ Tiesto - Just Be---
I need to believe, that something extraordinary is possible.
- Alicia NashFind a truly original idea. It is the only way I will ever distinguish myself. It is the only way I will ever matter.
- John Nash, "A Beautiful Mind"---
All my life I had been looking for something, and everywhere I turned someone tried to tell me what it was. I accepted their answers too, though they were often in contradiction and even self-contradictory. I was naïve. I was looking for myself and asking everyone except myself questions which I, and only I, could answer. It took me a long time and much painful boomeranging of my expectations to achieve a realization everyone else appears to have been born with: that I am nobody but myself.
-Ralph Ellison, "Battle Royal"
---
all my life, i have been searching for something. all my life, i have closed the doors to some opportunities that were given to me on a silver platter. and because of this, i am living as a tangle of logic, of irony, of extreme empathy and of self-centredness.
its funny if you don't seize the experience to do something, when there is another chance for you to try again, you may not get it due to the lack of.
its funny when you shut the door, it may be the same door you want to open again, but this time it will be locked.
its funny when i think i want something badly but i when i get it i realise this is not what i really wanted.
then i wonder and look to God, whom i have left on the shelf for the last 2 years. now relegated to a dusty relic in the recesses of my mind. and now i take him out again, dust him off... but God is not to be treated like that.
so God.... i know that i am privileged enough to have passed my A levels; that was no fluke.
.... i know i am lucky to be born to a decent family; i don't have to rob to sustain myself.
.... i know that i have the resources i need to do what i want to do; i can learn anything i wanted to.
--
so tell me why God....
... why i am so lazy to learn something new? why if its there, why if its within my grasp i don't want to grab it.
... why i think so much? why do i think of the possibilities that never could be, torturing my self in the process. like cutting myself, but mentally. over and over and over and over and over again.
... why i am so obsessed over setbacks ? i know i shouldn't. if i fail i should pick myself and continue. but i can't? because i am afraid of failure over and over?
...why i am so unhappy with myself? there is this giant hole. some would say it is you, and they are probably right.
...why do i fluctuate emotions like a damn pendulum?
...why do i put on a facade? the mask still clings on tightly. i have tried to let it go, but it serves only to confuse myself further.
so why God?
why did you make me like this?
AND WHY NOW?
--
why indeed.Labels: life in general
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